Love, Lust, Obsession, and Limerence in Neurodivergent Relationships
Love, lust, attraction, and attachment - all of these are confusing emotional experiences that can lead to wonderful encounters or disastrous relationships. Research has found that these emotional processes are distinct yet intertwined processes in our brain (Mandriota, 2024). So how can we learn to differentiate between a healthy physical or emotional connection versus a dependent obsession? We should first start by defining what these terms mean. Lust is a strong sexual desire for someone and is not independent of love. You can experience lust when meeting someone new, or within a committed partnership. If a connection is based solely on lust, you may start to lose attraction as you begin to notice flaws in the other person. The relationship may be short-lived and often relies on spending time together that is focused on physical intimacy. However, if lust is treated with respect by both parties, it can be exhilarating and deepen the connection in a relationship. On the other hand, love is centered on establishing a deep, emotional connection. It is built on open and honest communication, as well as a partnership where both individuals are accepted for their flaws. You don’t need to feel love to experience sexual desire, and feeling sexual desire doesn’t necessarily result in falling in love.
Both of these feelings may be intertwined and confused with obsession. This is an unhealthy state of mind and can distract us from taking care of ourselves, our responsibilities, and even the other people we care about (Ferrarello, 2023). Some obsessions may be short-lived, but others can take weeks or years to overcome. An intense, unreciprocated obsession towards someone has been defined in research as limerence. This term was first coined in 1979 by U.S. psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the “involuntary, obsessive preoccupation with a specific person” or the ‘limerent object’ (Elguren, 2026). There is often an intense fear of rejection and a longing for reciprocation, with significant distress when feelings are uncertain or not returned (Ferguson, 2025). It can show up as intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, idealization, rearranging daily routines to increase chances of encountering the LO, heart palpitations, trembling, nausea when thinking about or engaging with the LO, and difficulty focusing or functioning (Ferguson, 2025). The sensation is akin to that of a gambler’s high or the thrill of substance use. PEA (phenylethylamine) floods the system alongside dopamine and norepinephrine, increasing arousal and energy levels (Elguren, 2026). Limerence is sustained by uncertainty, as the emotional intensity is often mistaken for relational depth and the nervous system fills in meaning where there may be none (Miller, 2026). While a healthy relationship leaves room for independent growth and mutual understanding, limerence strips away both individuals’ autonomy and lives off of anxiety and uncertainty.
There is an important connection between limerence and neurodiversity. Individuals with ADHD are often driven by a search for constant stimulation due to a lack of dopamine production, which, in some cases, can lead to a rapid onset of intense feelings towards others (Bradbury et al., 2024). This can lead neurodiverse folks whose brains produce less serotonin and dopamine to be more susceptible to the strong feelings of attraction and affection created by limerence, which releases these same hormones. Those with ASD and ADHD can also exhibit monotropism, which is the tendency to focus on things that matter most to someone and is not easily redirected (Sandhu, 2026). It is possible for these special interests or hyperfixations to become directed towards love, relationships, sex, and, in some cases, a particular individual. This may lead someone to rely on limerence as a maladaptive coping mechanism by rejecting reality, focusing on idealizing a person, and spending an unhealthy amount of time fantasizing (Taylor, 2024). High social anxiety may also contribute to lower self-esteem, pushing neurodivergent people to be drawn into limerent relationships, which are chaotic and dysfunctional. AuDHD women in particular may be more susceptible to a limerent connection due to their tendency to be hyperempathic and give more chances to those who are deceptive or cruel (Taylor, 2024). Our attachment style, or how we create and maintain relationships with others, is shaped by how we interact with and are treated by others as we grow up. Those who experienced unpredictable and emotional inconsistency may find the uncertainty of limerence familiar and compelling (Miller, 2026). Limerence often reactivates attachment wounds and abandonment trauma linked to unmet childhood relational needs, or the anxiety associated with previous abandonment (Drescher, 2024).
With all of that said, neurodivergent relationships have great potential for being healing, sexually satisfying, and emotionally fulfilling. Our relationships should help us to be the best versions of ourselves. This is an important question you may want to ask yourself if you are concerned about mismatched levels of lust, a codependent obsession, or limerence. Is this relationship helping me become someone I am proud of? Other questions you may ask yourself are:
Does this person(s) have my best interests in mind?
How much time do I spend fantasizing about this person(s)? Is it interfering with my goals, well-being, and other relationships?
How would you describe this relationship(s) to your loved ones?
Is this someone I want to spend time with outside of the bedroom?
References
Bradbury, P., Short, E., & Bleakley, P. (2024). Limerence, Hidden Obsession,
Fixation, and Rumination: A Scoping Review of Human Behaviour. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, 40(2), 417–426. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11896-024-09674-x
Drescher, A. (2024, February 6). What Is Limerence and How Do You Overcome It?
SimplyPsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/limerence.html
Elguren, A. (2026, April 28). Limerence: The Science of Falling Hard — and What
Comes After. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/limerence-science-of-falling-hard/
Ferguson, S. (2025, May 29). What is Limerence? Healthline; Healthline Media.
https://www.healthline.com/health/limerence#symptoms
Ferrarello, S. (2023, June 17). Is It Love or Obsession? Psychology Today.
Mandriota, M. (2024, July 30). What Is Lust? Verywell Mind.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-lust-5189688
Miller, Orly. (2026, April 28). Why Limerence Feels Like Love. Psychology Today.
Sandhu, S. (2026, June 19). Limerence and the Neurodivergent Nervous
System. Substack.
https://neurolongevityco.substack.com/p/limerence-and-the-neurodivergent
Taylor, L. (2024, February 14). Limerence, Love, and Neurodivergent Women. PsychologyToday.
